Friday 14 September 2012

Indecisive

I don't know what is wrong.

I just looked at myself in the mirror and asked myself "what is wrong? what is the matter? why do you feel like this?" and I couldn't even answer myself.
I attempted mindfulness - in that moment nothing was wrong, everything was okay. I was about to get ready and go around to a friends house; surely that would help with the way I was feeling. I tried to talk myself out of it, but the feeling in my stomach remained. 

I chose what to wear and was ready to start drying my hair when I couldn't do it anymore. The feeling was overwhelming. In my head I was telling myself "everything is okay, nothing is actually wrong" but it didn't work. I wanted to go out and see this friend. I wanted to get out of the house. Why can't I do it?
When I think about not going, maybe it isn't such a bad idea, as I highly doubt I will be good company at the moment. 

I have never had a social phobia/anxiety before so I doubt that is the issue. 
I have been replaying today over in my head trying to identify a trigger to my mood but I can't find anything. I had little to no interactions with other people today, and those that I did have were all positive.

My hands are shaking. My skin is flushed. Thinking about having to cancel on my friend is making my mood worse. I am extremely unassertive (this is something I have been working on in therapy) and I feel the massive guilt of letting someone down before I have even done so. If only I could push myself to go; but do I really want to risk that just so I don't have to cancel on someone?

Why are decisions so hard for me? This is something I have been battling for as long as I can remember. I have always been indecisive, I assume in fear of hurting someone or letting them down. I have seen countless movies that I have not wanted to see all because I refused to make a decision, eaten at restaurants where I knew I wouldn't like any of the food because I didn't want to offer another suggestion.

My best friend has been telling me recently 'stop being so nice!' but when I think of her saying that all I can think of are my family who know a whole different side to me, the opposite side. I let all of my frustrations out around those whom are closest to me. Not friends, because you can lose those, just family. 

Great...the friend whom I was meant to visit tonight just asked me if I was almost ready, and I told them I shouldn't be too much longer. What is wrong with me?! After all this debate and self analysis I still can't say how I feel. 
Half of me is pushing myself to go, knowing that even the drive to their house will be enough to clear my head of this nonsense. The rest of me is telling me to stay home, take some Valium and that tomorrow will be a new day.

Time to continue practising mindfulness and make a decision...


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