Note to Self

Usually when blogging I post a picture at the end of my entry. This time I have done it at the start, because at the moment I need to continually re-read the words over and over until I start to believe them.

Imagine you have a disability, one that impairs you to the point where you feel you could no longer function. Imagine losing control of all of your limbs. Not being able to move, your body not listening when you tell it to walk. You are paralysed and have no control.

This is how I feel; yet I am referring to my brain, not my limbs. 
I have no control over my emotions and my reactions. 

What would you do if you could no longer had any control over how you feel? 
When we are faced with a situation there is usually a split second where we can decide how we are going to let it affect us: Am I going to let it upset me, or am I going to move on? Am I going to take this personally or am I going to ignore them?
For me, there is no split second. The reaction is instantaneous, and long lived. The emotion comes on so quickly and intensely that it is all overwhelming. I can burst into tears in the middle of a shopping centre and nothing stops me. There is no 'flashing light' to alert me to my surroundings and that my reaction may not be appropriate. This state of alarm can stay with me for what feels like an eternity, in reality it may be hours.

More confronting are the things that I react to. Someone tripping over, someone making an innocent mistake, someone looking at me the wrong way. I constantly feel like everyone is out to get me. I am just waiting for them to pounce. The funny thing is, I am aware of how ridiculous this sounds yet I can't change it.
Similarly, when I look back on my reactions towards situations I am usually disgusted in my own behaviour. I don't understand why I act the way I do towards such trivial things. It is embarrassing and I feel awful guilt and shame. 

These said reactions aren't something that occur every now and then, it is every day several times a day. Over and over my brain leads me to the highest level of distress one could possibly imagine. At this moment I am feeling utterley hopeless. I am sick of not being able to rationalize and put things into context when they occur. I am fed up with not being able to place myself in certain situations in fear of the unknown and how I may react.

I have never tried to explain this before, let alone put the experience into writing. I suppose I just feel the need more than ever for people to understand what it is like, not to feel sorry for me but to know that I am not hurting them intentionally. I don't hate other people for saying or doing something that 'sets me off', rather I hate myself for reacting the way that I do. 

I wonder how many more times I will have to read the words in the picture above until I see them clearly...

Lyrically perfect

It's amazing when you come across a song that sums you up in your entirety.

Over the years that I have been fighting my demons, there have been two songs that I keep coming back to. I can relate to every word sung, yet listening to these songs don't depress me, but give me hope. 
Knowing that such successful musicians can, or have felt the same way as I do and are still here to share their experiences is truly inspiring.

'BURNING BRIGHT' by Shinedown

I feel like there is no need for conversation
Some questions are better left without a reason
And I would rather reveal myself than my situation
Now and then I consider my hesitation
 

The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I'm burning, burning bright

I wonder if the things I did were just to be different
To spare myself from the constant shame of my existence
And I would surely redeem myself in my desperation
Here and now I'll express my situation

There's nothing ever wrong but nothing's ever right
Such a cruel contradiction
I know I crossed the line, it's not easy to define
I'm born to indecision
There's always something new, some path I'm supposed to choose
With no particular rhyme or reason

Live performance of Burning Bright: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LxOXpSsq3aY 

'DEAR AGONY' by Breaking Benjamin

I have nothing left to give
I have found the perfect end
You were made to make it hurt
Disappear into the dirt
Carry me to heaven's arms
Light the way and let me go
Take the time to take my breath
I will end where I began

And I will find the enemy within
Cause I can feel it crawl beneath my skin

Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it's gotta be?
Dear Agony

Suddenly
The lights go out
Let forever
Drag me down
I will fight for one last breath
I will fight until the end

Leave me alone
God let me go
I'm blue and cold
Black sky will burn
Love pull me down
Hate lift me up
Just turn around
There's nothing left

Somewhere far beyond this world
I feel nothing anymore

Audio of Dear Agony: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGrM1sh-8pE

Whenever I am struggling I turn to music. I always have.  

Let music be your hope, your inspiration, your reason to carry on. 

 

A possible cure?

Last week I finally started treatment specifically designed for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) in the form of Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT). I was told for years that this is the only known treatment for persons with this diagnosis as it is tailor made and deals with the personality traits experienced by a sufferer of BPD.

At present I am only in the pre-commitment program, an 8 week course for participants who are enrolled in the year long DBT course, which unfortunately has quite a length wait list (I have been on the list for 6 months or so now) Already I am feeling hopeful. Just being able to be in a room with other people whom react and exhibit the same behavioural patterns as I do offers such relief and comfort.
Most other therapists I have engaged with over the past six years have not wanted to recognise my diagnosis at all, as there is a negative stigma surrounding it even in the professional medical field; however knowing that the clinicians who run this program invest all their working time on BPD and its treatment gives me hope. 

As I understand it, Dialectics refer to opposing sides and being able to acknowledge those and find a common ground. Whilst we may not like someones decision and feel strongly against it, we need to acknowledge that there is reason behind it and they feel the way they do for a reason. We don't have to like it, but we have to understand both sides of the coin. 

The coordinator of the program yesterday made a comment I found very interesting: that she could go out onto the street and pick ten random people and bring them into the classroom and every single person would benefit from the program/therapy. Whilst not everyone has the symptoms of a BDP sufferer, everyone has emotions and comes across difficulties in their lives to some extent, whether it be in relationships, internal conflict, stress, negative thinking etc. The skills that are taught in the program assist in dealing with these issues. 

The pre-commitment program that I am currently undertaking offers an underlying education and understanding on BDP, what is offered as part of the DBT program, how it can assist a person with a diagnosis of BPD, what we can expect from the program, guidelines as well as learning the clinical terminology that will be used throughout the therapy. Whilst it is mainly a theory based class, there is still a lot of discussion, which I frequently contribute too (something I rarely do) as I feel I have nothing to lose, and in the end I am there to solely helping myself.

I look forward to sharing information and skills I learn, but for now I highly encourage people with a diagnosis of BPD or who exhibit a number of symptoms to look into DBT therapy, as I am hopeful it is the solution I have been looking for.

Chocolate is the cure

In light of last night's somewhat dramatic events, this morning I woke up and decided that I would not be miserable again today.

So what did I do? I made a giant chocolate chip pancake! Because chocolate fixes everything.

Indecisive

I don't know what is wrong.

I just looked at myself in the mirror and asked myself "what is wrong? what is the matter? why do you feel like this?" and I couldn't even answer myself.
I attempted mindfulness - in that moment nothing was wrong, everything was okay. I was about to get ready and go around to a friends house; surely that would help with the way I was feeling. I tried to talk myself out of it, but the feeling in my stomach remained. 

I chose what to wear and was ready to start drying my hair when I couldn't do it anymore. The feeling was overwhelming. In my head I was telling myself "everything is okay, nothing is actually wrong" but it didn't work. I wanted to go out and see this friend. I wanted to get out of the house. Why can't I do it?
When I think about not going, maybe it isn't such a bad idea, as I highly doubt I will be good company at the moment. 

I have never had a social phobia/anxiety before so I doubt that is the issue. 
I have been replaying today over in my head trying to identify a trigger to my mood but I can't find anything. I had little to no interactions with other people today, and those that I did have were all positive.

My hands are shaking. My skin is flushed. Thinking about having to cancel on my friend is making my mood worse. I am extremely unassertive (this is something I have been working on in therapy) and I feel the massive guilt of letting someone down before I have even done so. If only I could push myself to go; but do I really want to risk that just so I don't have to cancel on someone?

Why are decisions so hard for me? This is something I have been battling for as long as I can remember. I have always been indecisive, I assume in fear of hurting someone or letting them down. I have seen countless movies that I have not wanted to see all because I refused to make a decision, eaten at restaurants where I knew I wouldn't like any of the food because I didn't want to offer another suggestion.

My best friend has been telling me recently 'stop being so nice!' but when I think of her saying that all I can think of are my family who know a whole different side to me, the opposite side. I let all of my frustrations out around those whom are closest to me. Not friends, because you can lose those, just family. 

Great...the friend whom I was meant to visit tonight just asked me if I was almost ready, and I told them I shouldn't be too much longer. What is wrong with me?! After all this debate and self analysis I still can't say how I feel. 
Half of me is pushing myself to go, knowing that even the drive to their house will be enough to clear my head of this nonsense. The rest of me is telling me to stay home, take some Valium and that tomorrow will be a new day.

Time to continue practising mindfulness and make a decision...

Confusing thoughts

It might sound strange, and it feels even more so; to have no idea what it is you are thinking.

I suppose it is the opposite to racing thoughts, like a numbness. 
I know how I feel: sad, miserable, down...but I have no idea why.

There was no trigger, nothing to set me off. 
I am not dwelling on anything inparticular.

Time so snap out of it I think, or at least I will try.
I need to practice what I preach.

Always remember

Mind full or Mindful?

For me, mindfulness has been a life saver. Being able to apply the skill in times of crisis has bought a stop to my racing thoughts and bought all of my attention to the present moment, in which I was able to see that nothing was actually wrong. I believe it is a practice that everyone should be familiar with and implement in their daily lives. Just think, if we weren't always worrying about the past or predicting the future but rather noticing what is happening in the here and now, how different the world would be?

I was first introduced to this practice during outpatient therapy (one on one visits with a psychologist) four or five years ago. Back then I purely saw it as meditation, and even used it to help put me to sleep. My therapist would have me sit or lie still and do a 'full body scan' - starting from the top of my head I would work my way through my body and pay attention to how each part felt; was my neck sore, was my stomach still, was my foot flat on the floor, how the chair felt under my skin etc. 
Over the years I have learnt the skill in other forms such as controlled breathing and imagery.

The key aspect in which it differs from meditation is that you are able to recognise your thoughts. When you feel yourself drifting away and loosing focus on your breath or body, one is taught to stop and acknowledge this and come back to the task at hand. It focuses on constantly bringing oneself back to the present moment.

Being able to fully engage in the moment we are in is not as easy as it seems. As humans our minds constantly race and our thoughts drift from our past to our future. 'What if I had done that differently?' or 'What if this happens?' are some of the probing questions in which I was constantly worrying about. Focusing on this very moment however, I found I was able to see that everything was okay.

We can not change the past and can not predict the future, so why not invest all our energy in the present moment. Being engaged in our surroundings, in tune with our bodies and minds and our focus on what is occurring right here and now means we do not have to worry about what has been and what could be.

Dreams can come true

To prove that you can still live your dreams whilst living with a mental illness.

I had always wanted to visit the Canadian Rockies, and last year I made the dream come true.

I travelled alone, despite fears from my family.

I made so many new friends and had the most amazing experience which I will treasure forever.

Here are a few snaps from my travels.

Peyto Lake

View of Banff from the top of Sulphur Mountain

First time seeing snow on top of Mount Whistler

Maligne Lake and Spirit Island

Lake Louise

Walking on a glacier at the Colombia Icefield

Diagnosis: positive or negative?

When thinking about what defines us, I would assume most people look to external influences - family, friends, assets. Being forced to look within oneself is not always a pretty task. It can seem daunting, overwhelming and painful. This is only because we are focusing on the negatives though. Recently I was forced to write a list of my positive and negative traits, and the positive ones were a lot more challenging. I was then told to think of all the people over my lifetime that would have seen those positive traits in me. Dating back from as early as I can remember, in any circumstance or situation. Suddenly I began to realise that people see the good in me a lot more than I do in myself. 

It is because of this focus on negativity that I am unsure as to whether having a diagnosis of a mental illness is helpful or not. Whilst on one level it can offer understanding and reasoning, it also can be detrimental to ones recovery. I know this from first hand experience. 

As miserable and sad as one may be, I found that once I was labelled as having depression I had an excuse to be the way I was. It was the reason to not get out of bed and to isolate myself.
This only became more evident after I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder

The disorder is made up of number of personality traits and behaviours displayed such as impulsive behaviours (often risk taking), self harm/suicide attempts, fears of abandonment and rejection, unstable relationships, self-image issues and emotional instability. When I was first diagnosed it was a huge relief. Finally there was something that I could identify with. Upon reading and researching about the condition I felt like I was reading about myself and it started to give me some clarity.
What I didn't realise though is that I was using my research in a negative manner. If I was confronted about drinking alcohol to excess, I would turn around and say "You don't understand this is how I am, part of Borderline Personality is impulsive behaviour. I can't help it".
My diagnosis became an escape mechanism. It was the answer to being questioned about my bad behaviours. It was an excuse for acting the way I did. I expected people to understand and appreciate that I am this way because I have this disorder and I can't help it.

It wasn't until I started seeing my current psychologist that I realised how negatively this label of a disorder was impacting me, and others around me. Whilst having the diagnosis still offers me peace of mind in knowing that I am not alone in the way I am, I don't see it as defining who I am and my behaviours anymore. Whilst I do have all of the traits and difficulties that are symptomatic of the disorder, I also know that I am a loving, caring, considerate, friendly, gentle, loyal and understanding person. 

I found this image online and had to share it; it made me smile and I am sure anyone that is familiar with Borderline Personality will also get a giggle out of it. It is nice to see the humorous side to a confronting mental illness.

My one true belief

Why, you ask?

In this day and age, what does one do to reach out to others? 
Create a facebook group?
Send an email or SMS?
Post on Twitter?

There are endless ways for people to communicate. To talk about anything and everything. Websites that give information on all of life's questions. 
I myself have spent too much of my own time researching pointless things online, including self diagnosing myself with mysterious diseases because a few of my symptoms were similar.

I am curious to know what drives people to post blogs in the first place, if not to offer others advice and assistance in some way? 

We all need help. Even those that are too afraid to admit it. Even those who appear to have everything. So how can we help one another, and make it meaningful? Make it count. Make a change for the better.

I want to help. 

I want to inspire. 

I want to prompt change. 

I want to provoke debate. 

I want to be remembered.

When we decide to do something in life it is generally always because there is something in it for us. Maybe my writing this is in some shape or form beneficial to myself.
I do know why I have decided to sit here and type these very words though. I want to use my life experience to educate, help and hopefully inspire others.