Lyrically perfect

It's amazing when you come across a song that sums you up in your entirety.

Over the years that I have been fighting my demons, there have been two songs that I keep coming back to. I can relate to every word sung, yet listening to these songs don't depress me, but give me hope. 
Knowing that such successful musicians can, or have felt the same way as I do and are still here to share their experiences is truly inspiring.

'BURNING BRIGHT' by Shinedown

I feel like there is no need for conversation
Some questions are better left without a reason
And I would rather reveal myself than my situation
Now and then I consider my hesitation
 

The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I'm burning, burning bright

I wonder if the things I did were just to be different
To spare myself from the constant shame of my existence
And I would surely redeem myself in my desperation
Here and now I'll express my situation

There's nothing ever wrong but nothing's ever right
Such a cruel contradiction
I know I crossed the line, it's not easy to define
I'm born to indecision
There's always something new, some path I'm supposed to choose
With no particular rhyme or reason

Live performance of Burning Bright: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LxOXpSsq3aY 

'DEAR AGONY' by Breaking Benjamin

I have nothing left to give
I have found the perfect end
You were made to make it hurt
Disappear into the dirt
Carry me to heaven's arms
Light the way and let me go
Take the time to take my breath
I will end where I began

And I will find the enemy within
Cause I can feel it crawl beneath my skin

Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it's gotta be?
Dear Agony

Suddenly
The lights go out
Let forever
Drag me down
I will fight for one last breath
I will fight until the end

Leave me alone
God let me go
I'm blue and cold
Black sky will burn
Love pull me down
Hate lift me up
Just turn around
There's nothing left

Somewhere far beyond this world
I feel nothing anymore

Audio of Dear Agony: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGrM1sh-8pE

Whenever I am struggling I turn to music. I always have.  

Let music be your hope, your inspiration, your reason to carry on. 

 

Chocolate is the cure

In light of last night's somewhat dramatic events, this morning I woke up and decided that I would not be miserable again today.

So what did I do? I made a giant chocolate chip pancake! Because chocolate fixes everything.

Always remember

Mind full or Mindful?

For me, mindfulness has been a life saver. Being able to apply the skill in times of crisis has bought a stop to my racing thoughts and bought all of my attention to the present moment, in which I was able to see that nothing was actually wrong. I believe it is a practice that everyone should be familiar with and implement in their daily lives. Just think, if we weren't always worrying about the past or predicting the future but rather noticing what is happening in the here and now, how different the world would be?

I was first introduced to this practice during outpatient therapy (one on one visits with a psychologist) four or five years ago. Back then I purely saw it as meditation, and even used it to help put me to sleep. My therapist would have me sit or lie still and do a 'full body scan' - starting from the top of my head I would work my way through my body and pay attention to how each part felt; was my neck sore, was my stomach still, was my foot flat on the floor, how the chair felt under my skin etc. 
Over the years I have learnt the skill in other forms such as controlled breathing and imagery.

The key aspect in which it differs from meditation is that you are able to recognise your thoughts. When you feel yourself drifting away and loosing focus on your breath or body, one is taught to stop and acknowledge this and come back to the task at hand. It focuses on constantly bringing oneself back to the present moment.

Being able to fully engage in the moment we are in is not as easy as it seems. As humans our minds constantly race and our thoughts drift from our past to our future. 'What if I had done that differently?' or 'What if this happens?' are some of the probing questions in which I was constantly worrying about. Focusing on this very moment however, I found I was able to see that everything was okay.

We can not change the past and can not predict the future, so why not invest all our energy in the present moment. Being engaged in our surroundings, in tune with our bodies and minds and our focus on what is occurring right here and now means we do not have to worry about what has been and what could be.

Diagnosis: positive or negative?

When thinking about what defines us, I would assume most people look to external influences - family, friends, assets. Being forced to look within oneself is not always a pretty task. It can seem daunting, overwhelming and painful. This is only because we are focusing on the negatives though. Recently I was forced to write a list of my positive and negative traits, and the positive ones were a lot more challenging. I was then told to think of all the people over my lifetime that would have seen those positive traits in me. Dating back from as early as I can remember, in any circumstance or situation. Suddenly I began to realise that people see the good in me a lot more than I do in myself. 

It is because of this focus on negativity that I am unsure as to whether having a diagnosis of a mental illness is helpful or not. Whilst on one level it can offer understanding and reasoning, it also can be detrimental to ones recovery. I know this from first hand experience. 

As miserable and sad as one may be, I found that once I was labelled as having depression I had an excuse to be the way I was. It was the reason to not get out of bed and to isolate myself.
This only became more evident after I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder

The disorder is made up of number of personality traits and behaviours displayed such as impulsive behaviours (often risk taking), self harm/suicide attempts, fears of abandonment and rejection, unstable relationships, self-image issues and emotional instability. When I was first diagnosed it was a huge relief. Finally there was something that I could identify with. Upon reading and researching about the condition I felt like I was reading about myself and it started to give me some clarity.
What I didn't realise though is that I was using my research in a negative manner. If I was confronted about drinking alcohol to excess, I would turn around and say "You don't understand this is how I am, part of Borderline Personality is impulsive behaviour. I can't help it".
My diagnosis became an escape mechanism. It was the answer to being questioned about my bad behaviours. It was an excuse for acting the way I did. I expected people to understand and appreciate that I am this way because I have this disorder and I can't help it.

It wasn't until I started seeing my current psychologist that I realised how negatively this label of a disorder was impacting me, and others around me. Whilst having the diagnosis still offers me peace of mind in knowing that I am not alone in the way I am, I don't see it as defining who I am and my behaviours anymore. Whilst I do have all of the traits and difficulties that are symptomatic of the disorder, I also know that I am a loving, caring, considerate, friendly, gentle, loyal and understanding person. 

I found this image online and had to share it; it made me smile and I am sure anyone that is familiar with Borderline Personality will also get a giggle out of it. It is nice to see the humorous side to a confronting mental illness.

My one true belief