Imagine you have a disability, one that impairs you to the point where you feel you could no longer function. Imagine losing control of all of your limbs. Not being able to move, your body not listening when you tell it to walk. You are paralysed and have no control.
This is how I feel; yet I am referring to my brain, not my limbs.
I have no control over my emotions and my reactions.
What would you do if you could no longer had any control over how you feel?
When we are faced with a situation there is usually a split second where we can decide how we are going to let it affect us: Am I going to let it upset me, or am I going to move on? Am I going to take this personally or am I going to ignore them?
For me, there is no split second. The reaction is instantaneous, and long lived. The emotion comes on so quickly and intensely that it is all overwhelming. I can burst into tears in the middle of a shopping centre and nothing stops me. There is no 'flashing light' to alert me to my surroundings and that my reaction may not be appropriate. This state of alarm can stay with me for what feels like an eternity, in reality it may be hours.
More confronting are the things that I react to. Someone tripping over, someone making an innocent mistake, someone looking at me the wrong way. I constantly feel like everyone is out to get me. I am just waiting for them to pounce. The funny thing is, I am aware of how ridiculous this sounds yet I can't change it.
Similarly, when I look back on my reactions towards situations I am usually disgusted in my own behaviour. I don't understand why I act the way I do towards such trivial things. It is embarrassing and I feel awful guilt and shame.
These said reactions aren't something that occur every now and then, it is every day several times a day. Over and over my brain leads me to the highest level of distress one could possibly imagine. At this moment I am feeling utterley hopeless. I am sick of not being able to rationalize and put things into context when they occur. I am fed up with not being able to place myself in certain situations in fear of the unknown and how I may react.
I have never tried to explain this before, let alone put the experience into writing. I suppose I just feel the need more than ever for people to understand what it is like, not to feel sorry for me but to know that I am not hurting them intentionally. I don't hate other people for saying or doing something that 'sets me off', rather I hate myself for reacting the way that I do.
I wonder how many more times I will have to read the words in the picture above until I see them clearly...
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